Image via Evil Erin's Flickr
I’m not ill, a trip to A&E the other week established that. The visit left me red faced and with a fetching pair of spectacles perched on the bridge of my nose.
I’d convinced myself that the stabbing headaches and the general sense of listlessness were signs of something sinister. Turns out that they were migraines and that my eyesight had got a bit shit. My vision is now crystal clear and the migraines have gone, so why do I still feel like the woods have dressed up as trees and are scampering about my mind jeering “bet you can’t tell what we are”? Why do I want to curl up on the sofa every night watching TV? Why do I put off writing? Why do wake in the middle of the night convinced that there is something important I should have done? Why on earth have I seen that stupid John Lewis advert so many times that I now have an opinion on it?
Yes, I’m under the weather – not in the sniffling snotty way, in an all in my head kind of way. And it is annoying the hell out of me.
That’s why I’m forcing myself to write this, I want to snap myself out of this pesky malaise that has sneaked in, riding on the coattails of all these dark mornings. I’ve dabbled with the idea that I might have Seasonal affective disorder and, on closer examination the symptoms on Wikipedia (as you do), my dabbling appears to be pretty close to the mark.
Yet there is a little part of me that is convinced that this maudlin inactivity is some form of well-earned break, a winter reward for a spring, summer and autumn of hard work. Eating a box of Lindor whilst watching back-to-back episodes of American Horror Story, Bored to Death and Gossip Girl in my pyjamas is my treat, my right.
Err, no. A treat happens once a week, once a month; a treat is the exception not the rule. Treats are also meant to make you happy. None of this indulgent behaviour is making me happy. As knobbish and peppy as it sounds, achieving things is what makes me happy. Crossing off a to-do list, creating something then briefly stepping back to see it in full. Deep down I want to be writing babbling and bubbly blogposts about glittery cardigans and margaritas.
The problem is that my body and brain are hardwired for daylight. Daylight is happening whilst I’m sat under fluorescent office strip lights. The moment that night sets in is when my brain clicks into “off mode”.
What I need is to get back on with things, get over it. Maybe buy one of those special lamps that simulates sunlight. Maybe I also need to start looking at winter in a new light (no pun intended), change my mindset. After all, I was a night owl student, regularly staying up until 4am to finish projects or essays. Surely keeping my mind active until 10pm can’t be too big a challenge?
Here is my manifesto:
• Try to write something everyday – regardless of whether I end up blogging it
• Stop eating so much pasta – it really isn’t helping
• To buy one of those daylight lamps and use it
• To stop being a self-pitying moaning minnie and remember how good making things happen feels
• To allow myself to chill out, but not let it become my default mode
Watch out winter, I’m about to kick your pale and pasty ass.
BBxxx
Try a vitamin D supplement hun, I hear it’s great for SAD!! Also upping your intake of fruit helps…not to pleasant at this time of year but stick them in a smoothie and bring it to work for breakfast! x
A few people have mentioned vitamin D. Then someone told me that too much turns muscle into bone, which is just gross!