07.59: Good morning fellow commoners! Hope you’re ready for this, I’m not. Bring on the Huw Edwards!
08.00 Lose the soft focus vignettes already.
08.02 How this will work: I’m watching the BBC’s live coverage online, I’ll comment on it as it goes along. Oh, hang on, time to watch some freaky royalists…how weird is that? Like, what makes people camp outside in the freezing cold and wear weird hats?
08.04 Dude get three titles. Good for him. Fearne time: polka dots and pussy bows, interesting choice. Like her bracelet and at least she hasn’t started shouting about HOW EXCITING everything is.
08.06. YET. It will happen. In other news, that poor Matthew kid. If he was at my old primary school everyone would make jokes about him fancying the Queen and shiz.
08.08. Woah, Beeb gone all out on the jimmy-jib shots. Not convinced with Fiona Bruce’s cropped red combo, also husband has just declared “she sounds half pissed”.
08.11 Anita is cool, I like Anita. Her remark about the coaches for the Middleton’s reminding her of an Indian wedding was cool too. Want Will to marry Anita instead.
08.14 Rayworth looking almost as orange as her dress. Centrepoint is an awesome charity (as I’m sure Starlight is too). Feel bad for the blokes though, picking a tie is about as interesting as it gets for them. Though I’ve heard rumours that David Beckham is wearing purple shoes.
08.16 This weather fixation bugs me. It rained on my wedding day and it was still a blast. This is England people! It rains. Fearne and Carole Kirkwood together on screen, surely the end of days is near?
08.17: Bowman is silent. If only they could make that happen for Cotton. She looked adorable, kind of Doris Day. Want her skirt and her top and her hair. Bowman wins the fashion contest so far.
08.19 SPACEPEOPLE!!! Ouch, those trousers are unfortunate. Too much crotch bagging and waistband uncomfortably high. Sort it NASA.
08.22 Simon Schama. Sky blue shirt with a teal tie and a grey suit. Kind of retro. Is…is…he wearing a bangle? Maybe it is one of those magnetic ones for rheumatism. Or maybe he popped down to Accessorize to jazz things up a bit.
02.24: Lizzie Bowes-Lyons was a total betty. And she loved gin. Otherwise, this is a bit dull, bring Anita back!
08.26: Time for a queue of posh(ish) people in hats! Loved lady in yellow. the whole queue had a strong whiff of Jacques Vert about it.
08.29: Sigur Ros/Snow Patrol montage time.
08.30: Yellow lady:
Yellow hat lady
Reasons I love yellow hat lady: she reminds me of Hyancinth Bucket, she isn’t afraid of yellow, she has an umbrella.
08.33: Fell a bit bad for the earlybird guests. Bet there isn’t even a bar inside the abbey. Maybe they’ve got hip flasks. Hang on, there are trees inside the abbey? Maple trees symoblising modesty? Yeah, because having trees moved into a abbey for your wedding smacks of modesty.
08.38: International news teams. Reckon they should all have a global Anchorman style news team rumble. Huw could lay the smackdown on them ALL.
08.41: Yellow lady is sitting next to another yellow lady. Other yellow lady has teamed her yellow suit with a black hat. Brave. Keep glimpsing those silly white gloves the police are wearing, how are they fighting the urge to start voguing?
08.46: Oh my life, the VIPs (i.e. people we will stand a chance of recognising) don’t start arriving until 10am. This sucks. I need a drink. The question is: tea or Cava?
Royal Wedding Timetable
08.48: This Alex Jones is not as good as my friend Alex Jones. Poor folks in the background being told by producers to wave flags. They’ll be sick of it by 11am.
08.53: Janet from Australia has over 12,000 pieces of royal memorabilia. She has bought 1000 more pieces while she’s been in the UK. So it is her who buys all of that crap.
08.54: Ooooohhh, pretty floor tiles. Those big platey things on the altar may well be priceless, but let’s behonest, you wouldn’t want them in your house would you? Your brasso bill would be sky high.
08.56: HORSES!!!!!! Pretty pretty horses and silent man in trench coat interviewing military man. The horses are getting brushed and beautified.
Pretty horses. Neigh.
09.00 I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again: Edith’s outfit is rocking my world:
Edith Bowman's pink outfit
09.04: OK, I know this guy is talking about charity work and stuff, but I’m bored. We need a crazy person/streaker. Bring back Janet from Australia, just make sure she keeps her clothes on.
09.06 Hearing that C. DAVE is in the house/abbey. Just going to see what I can find online, as our beloved Beeb chose to focus on aid work rather than a posh girl in a snazzy fascinator. Grrr.
09.10: Most distressed about not seeing Chelsy. Apparently she was “nicely tanned”. Switching to ITV, they are totes more on my level.
09.15: In the absence of any pics, here’s how the wonderful ladies at Go Fug Yourself described it all:
1:04 a.m. Prince Harry’s on-off girlfriend and wedding-day date Chelsy Davy appears in the Abbey, wearing a hideous baggy dark teal thing and a bronze circular fascinator that’s lacy with a bow and a bit of a veil. She looks like a few miles of rough road, to be honest. It’s an incredibly auspicious beginning.
Their liveblog is great. Check it out.
09.20: Posh looks fierce. David looks chiselled.
The Beckhams
Victoria Beckham in her own label and a stunning hat. David in Ralph Lauren.
09.22 RE: C.DAVES. She is wearing Alberta Ferretti. she has 2 dresses. Cocktail length for the ceremony and full length for the reception.
09.24: You know what? ITV are well better than the BBC. It is like a giant episode of This Morning without the cooking bits.
09.27: Let’s talk about Posh. I sort of adore the woman, as I’m sure anyone who has read “Learning to Fly” (her “autobiography”) does too. Every chapter of it ends with something along the lines of “needless to say, I had the last laugh. Well love, today you have.
09.29: Some pictures:
Mr Potatohead (AKA David Cameron). Is this what he is really wearing? It looks really dull, jazz it up a bit Dave. Top hat at least.
David Cameron
Time for a “national treasure”. It’s time for Tara Plamer Tompkinson. We are talking dramz here. Cobalt blue DRAMA:
Tara Palmer Tompkinson
TPT
09.35: I spy a Royal wedding trendlet: posh people wearing satellite dish hats:
Satellite dish hat number 1
09.37: Know the feeling mate:
Bored looking blokes
09.42: Sally Bercow looks, erm, taller than her Tory husband?
09.43: Oooohh, look Ben Fogle. *yawn* Is this as exciting as it is going to get now? With C. DAVES, the Beckhams and TPT already there, I fear we’ve peaked too soon. Time for Cava.
Ben Fogle and wife
09.47: Squeeeeee! It’s Elton and David! Just as I was giving up. Like Elton’s champagne and purple combo. They looked so sweet walking down the path, like David was giving Elton some tips on his tailcoat.
Elton John and David Furnish
09.51: Time for a five minute break. This all seems a bit like filler to me. Bet I miss prime C.DAVES coverage.
09.54: Horseguards are getting ready.
Man on a pretty horse
09.57 Phillipa Lepley still thinks it could be Temperley. This is why I want it to be McQueen:
McQueen catwalk
10.00: Both ITV and BBC are running out of steam now. I’m topping up on Cava-goodness. Just saw three almost identical blonde sloane girls sitting in the abbey. They looked like Sweet Valley Triplets but with a thing for shopping on the Kings Road.
10.03: Yes, this is exactly what Kate’s dress will look like. Fun fur gilet included:
Three brides
10.06: Eugh. Clegg and Osbourne looking all pally. Want to barf ALL OVER THEIR SUITS. Also want to puke into Teresa May’s hat. Leopard print, how predictable, bet you’ve matched your shoes to your hat you hateful person.
Teresa May. EUGH.
10.09: Let’s talk SamCam. She’s gone for body-con teal. Like the flash of orange in her shawl. She looks better than David. Her and Schama would totally look better together, a symphony in teal:
Samantha Cameron
10.12: Wills is on his way. IN RED!!!! Not sure on men in uniform myself. He’s looking “calm and contented”, who’d have thought that being a prince meant you felt pretty secure in your position. Can’t be arsed to get a photo of him in the car. SHUT up squealing woman.
10.15: Liking the blue sash though. Looks rather snazzy. Oh go on then, here’s a picture:
Wills in car
10.19: The phrase “royal peculiar” has tickled me. How did Haryy overtake Wills to become the hotter one though? Love how Huw has just described Harry’s “diligent and energetic” stag do planning. I going to start a stag do planning company called “Diligence and Energy”.
William and Harry
10.24: Hey everybody! It’s the King of Tonga and the bloke from Monaco. According to husband, Albert’s wife had a nice dress on. This probably means she was a hotty.
10.28: There is a KING OF ORANGE!!! Bet he has an awesome tan. Also, since when have minibuses become “minicoaches”. Because the Duke and Duchess of Kent are on them? WTF? Let’s be rebellious and refer to them as “peasant waggons”, eh?
10.31: Who’s this then? Mrs Middleton? Very mother of the bride. Satellite dish hat action going on. Dove grey and flawless hair and make-up. I wouldn’t describe it as “stunning” though, you sycophantic TV pundits!
Mrs Middleton
10.34: SamCam was in Burberry. I hate her husband, but I can’t hate her, no matter how I try. Bring on Bea and Eugenie. Hear Eugenie is in Vivienne Westwood.
10.37: Posh people in hats. LOL!
Posh people in hats
10.38: BRING ON THE CAMILLA!!!! FYI: Horse face is wearing Anna Valentine who designed her wedding dress. Didn’t hate that.
10.41: I so got there before Huw on the Anna Valentine thing.
10.41: All hail the canary Queen!
10.42: What’s the deal? No matter what posh middle aged ladies wear to these shin-digs, it always looks like it comes from Jacques Vert or Country Casuals.
10.43: Cute bridesmaid alert. Their dresses are by Nicki Macfarlane
10.44: Is Camilla making a nod to this season’s trend for pleats? Don’t like the embroidery but like the overall impression:
Charles and Camilla
10.47: Yellow hat lady is going to be well pissed-off now. She has been out-yellowed by the reigning monarch. I want to see Bea and Eugenie.
10.49: Screw who made Queenie’s dress, I want to know who made the blanket! Loving the shoulder bling though Liz:
Queen
Seeing lacey sleeves on Kate. That is one wock-off train. Like the bouquet.
10.53: Is that hair down? Can’t decide. Not overly convinced that this is going to be as good as I expected when I heard it was probably McQueen,but we’ll see:
Kate Middleton
Oh, and shut up about her “dignity and modesty”.
10.55: She does look terribly pretty though. And these guys looks super kawaii! dressing your chief bridesmaid in floor length ivory displays a certain level of bridal confidence:
Bridesmaids and page boys
10.58: Get ready for the dress. If it is McQueen, it will be McQueen-lite. I don’t like lace so I’m already rather “meh”.
11.01: OK, I take it back. Better than I thought. Still not keen on lace, but this looks good. Very Kate though. Pippa looks great.
Kate's dress
11.08: Awww! Wills looks all bashful. Harry is so thinking “ding-dong”. Eeek! Just realised that I have to go out in 15 minutes. Right, erm, thanks for putting up with me. You are all brilliant. Kate’s dress scores a “Comme Ci, Comme Ça” from me. She looks lovely, but this is Kate Middleton. It is what she does, looks pretty. Nowt challenging, nowt controversial. Good luck to the pair of ‘em and, by the same token, every other young married couple out there.
Peace out.
BBxx
P.S. Actually, you don’t even have to be married. Good luck to every couple out there. Heck, good luck to all the single ladies and gents too.
You mean ‘lose’ of course.
Morning!
Yes. It is early. Forgive me.
It’s ok, it’s such a BIG DAY after all.
I am looking forward to watching Chris Moyles’ news report from the pub Kate’s dad drinks in though.
I was not aware of that. Sounds like it could be interesting!
Yes.
Also Mark Kermode breaking into The Middleton’s and berating Kate for her choice of films and Jeremy Paxman heading a panel critiquing her university work.
You should be producing this coverage. I’d totally watch this!
If only there was a way to share my ideas with the whole world, possibly in a succinct message that people could ‘follow’.
(Also good work on the coverage!)
I’m not sure Kate will be sporting spotty bra straps under a strapless dress… But I could be wrong.
OHMIGOSH, I hope she does! That would be FIERCE.
I can confirm I like a girl in uniform.
Today isn’t going to be a day for me I fear
McQueen used to be the enfant terrible of British fashion. It could happen.
Yes and instead of saying “I do”, she could turn to Harry and scream.
“Oh Harry, I can’t keep this a secret anymore. I need the world to know how much we love each other. Oh Harry!”
And the world would go silent and Twitter would go a little wild.
It would need to end with the Eastender’s theme tune, only to be picked up next Tuesday.
YES! Dun dun dun…
Harry’s uniform kicks William’s uniform’s ass. No blue sash, admittedly, but look at the gold curtain cords!
I’m sttill loving the red. Makes me think of Pete Docherty.
I bet William is not loving all of these aerial shots of the top of his ‘thinning’ hair; I think Elton is going to give him hair implants as a wedding gift!
It is awful isn’t it? Wear a hat William, WEAR A HAT. yes, we know you’re in Church but Jesus would totes understand.
Carol Middleton’s outfit…? GO!
Alright. Looked like Country Casual but was probably well more expensive.
Ha ha! We just had the Country Casual conversation in our front room too.
The same. principle can probably be applied to Camilla.
I kind of wish I wasn’t wearing pyjamas, I feel very scruffy compared to all of the royalty wearing designer clothing!
Your PJs look fabulous darling!
Woohoo! I just spotted my name check!
You rule! xx